I accidentally had phone sex last night
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
