she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
