one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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