Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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