I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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