I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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