So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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