you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
