i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
