God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
