somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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