well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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