Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize