i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize