the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
