you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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