i think my tv is drunk
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize