i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How does one acquire holy water?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
