Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
