this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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