My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
