I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
