You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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