I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize