Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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