Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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