During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
