You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
