got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize