If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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