I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
