I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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