I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The power of my boobs compel you
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
