Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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