i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
