Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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