So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
