Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
