you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
