I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
