I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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