Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
