well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
