I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
