im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
