phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You are a genius and a whore.
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