Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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