help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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