How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
