My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
