mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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