I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
