Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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