Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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