Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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