Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
