You were right. It hurts to walk today.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
