I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't deserve a penis
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
