The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
